I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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