fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
