im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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