I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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