Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
