STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
