I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
