No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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