two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
