I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
my liver is dry heaving
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
