Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
