I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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