I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
