I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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