You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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