So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
accomplished twins. life is a go
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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