Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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