He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
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I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just invented taco cereal.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
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Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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