The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
