y did u give ur computer a hand job?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
