You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
