Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
