oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
