So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
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