I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
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Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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