i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
