i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
