Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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