I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
