He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
