I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
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