Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
