i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
