it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
