every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
