If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
