Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
