Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
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He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
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He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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