I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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