and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
