went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
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Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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