You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
