Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
i think we sleep fucked last night...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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