Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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