remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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