They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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