We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
