Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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