$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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