so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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