What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
