Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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