I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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