Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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