Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Randomize
