i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
