I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
