I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
