i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
